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Does Your Relationship Pass the Test?

Imagine you’re in your favourite clothes shop, the one that always has the exact clothes for your shape, size and personality. You’re in the changing room and you’ve just put on a whole new outfit. You’re admiring yourself in the mirror, feeling fantastic, thinking “These clothes are so me, I can’t wait to wear them out”. You’re making an active choice in that moment about what you want to look like and how you want to present to the world.

Now imagine your eye catches your discarded pile of clothing, the clothes you were wearing when you walked into the shop, and you think to yourself, “Hmmm, I’m not so sure I even want to put on these old clothes now that I’ve had a little experience of these new ones.” You are — in that moment, choosing something different, something better for yourself. You wish you could just keep the new clothes on as you leave the store, as they feel so much more “you” than your old clothes. When you put your old clothes on again you feel a bit ‘non’ and you decide you’ll give them to the charity shop. You think nothing of getting rid of the clothes that aren’t reflective of your tastes anymore and replacing them with something new.

Now imagine trying on relationships like you try on clothes. Imagine you’ve just met your partner today and they act just the way they act now with you — would you still be attracted to them? Would you still choose a relationship with them/that experience for yourself? Is being with them reflective of the “you” that is now?

Can you imagine going out with the same person you went out with when you were 15 and never being with anyone different? Sure it does happen the odd time that couples who meet as teens manage to grow as people in similar enough ways that they manage to stay together, but for most people growth happens at different rates and we grow in different directions too. I never would’ve imagined that one of my exes would turn out to be a Trump supporter — he grew in a very different direction to me!

We don’t put our relationships under the same level of scrutiny as we put say, our clothes and that is because as a society we value longevity in relationships over quality. We think it is sad or a shame when we hear of a long-term couple breaking up — instead of feeling joy and delight for them that they have grown in different ways and have realised that the relationship no longer serves them.

There is an escalation of commitment that happens the longer a couple stay together. The more time goes on, the harder it is to decide to get out. But what if we used the analogy of the changing room as a tool to check in with our feelings around the relationships we have? Not just romantic relationships either, but friends and family — would you choose these people if you met them today?

I met a woman for coffee not long ago and she was complaining of having to spend a weekend away with her friends from school. She said that she no longer has anything in common with them and finds hanging out with them a chore, but she was completely resistant to any suggestion that she had a choice in if she spent time with them, or even have them in her life at all. Her rationale was that they were her “oldest friends”. I don’t know about you but my friends are people I enjoy spending time with and want to see, not people who I feel resentful about when they want to hang out with me.

I want to acknowledge that lots of people are also in situations where by they feel like (and sometimes just do not) have much of a choice, like people in abusive relationships, or anyone who is physically or financially dependent on someone else — many of these people don’t have as much of a choice about some of the people in their lives. The above is not designed to make anyone feel shit about their relationships, or to be prescriptive, it is merely a tool that you can feel into if you would find it useful or applicable to your life, or not.

At the very least the Changing Room tool allows you to have a checking-in-with-your-feelings moment. It never hurts to re-assess our past choices and feel into if they still feel right for us. Whatever you do with your current relationships, I wish you happiness and joy!

By : Taryn De Vere

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